The Weighty Things

(source)

Hi Friends,

This is a difficult subject for me to write about but one I feel most compelled to share.  I had even started a second blog two years ago to focus on my my struggles with weight, but it turns out I wasn't able to successfully maintain two blogs and keep them separate.  My daily life revolves around food, my weight, and diabetes. 

I was overweight as a child but was never teased or felt left out because of it.  I don't think I really even realized I had a problem until my mother told me I needed to lose weight.  From that point on I've always been on a diet and have had body image issues.  I've lost count of the number of times I've joined Weight Watchers and lost significant amounts of weight only to gain it all back and then some.   Now here I am at my heaviest.  I need to lose 120 pounds.

When it comes to my size and how I look, I'm miserable in every way.  Physically I'm tired all the time.  I don't have the energy and stamina I should still have at my age and every joint hurts.  Mentally it's pretty much on my mind all day and when I go to bed at night.  Emotionally I beat myself up, feel guilty all the time, and feel pretty hopeless about losing the weight.

I know there are those who believe people like me just need to exercise self control.  I wish it was that easy, but it's quite complicated.  First, I'm on insulin for type 2 diabetes.  Insulin causes weight gain which requires more insulin which causes more weight gain.  It's a vicious cycle.  Second, I've learned to use food to cope with loneliness, and depression, and disappointment. Food keeps me company and has become my best friend.  I know that's hard to understand if you've never had food issues.  Third, food addiction.  Sweets are my drug of choice.  I'm not making excuses, but trying to explain how I got here and why it's not as easy as some people might think to just "lose the weight".

The good news is I'm ready to tackle the problem.  It's not going to be an easy journey, nor will it be quick or pretty.  It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm not waiting until after Christmas to start.  I think by starting now I will have more self control during this "food season".

I know most women struggle with their weight.  Do you?  How do you deal with it?  I'd really like to know.

xo Annette xo

Me and Diabetes: Part Two

It took many months for me to deal with the news of having diabetes.  My emotions were all over the place.  I was angry, confused, depressed, perplexed and frustrated.  I had to change my lifestyle and develope a new routine.  I had to learn by trial and error how different foods affected my blood sugar.  Pricking my finger 7 times a day, writing down everything I ate and taking daily medication became my new normal.  I didn't like it and I fought it every step of the way. 

It has become easier over the years but it has never been easy.  Just when you have it figured out and blood sugars are under control, it changes.  You have to start all over again with the testing, and figuring out which foods are causing the problems, and what dose or which of the newest drugs are going to work best.  It never ends and it's always a struggle.

I wish I could say I do everything right all the time, but I don't.  I go through periods of rebellion and act like I don't  have diabetes.  I'll eat whatever I want to and not test my blood.  But then I eventually get back on track and do it right til the next time I get tired of doing it and rebel again.  I know my doctors get frustrated with me but I get frustrated with this disease!

Almost 3 years ago I started on insulin.  I give myself a shot 4 times a day...once before each meal and one at bed time.  I went through all the same feelings and emotions as I did when I was first diagnosed.  I also felt like I had done something wrong.  Diabetes is a progressive disease and the doctor assured me it wasn't my fault.  As much as I hated giving myself shots, I noticed right away that I felt better and my numbers came down eventually.  It took several months to find the right dose of insulin, and it continues to change.  I'm considering using the insulin pump which would take the place of shots.  There are pros and cons to both, but I will probably switch over.

In tomorrow's post I'll share some myths about diabetes and some do's and don'ts for those who have loved ones or friends with diabetes.